I want you more than these girls want KFC
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
