new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
