Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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