some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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