Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
