I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
