Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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