My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
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