he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Your dad touched me again.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
