I wish I only lived at night.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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