My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
