So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You need a sexual gate keeper
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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