Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
