So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
