and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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