i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
