; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
