i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
