This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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