Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
