I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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