While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
