When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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