grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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