I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
