i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
