he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
