Plan B is the new Plan A
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
