hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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