once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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