Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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