dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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