Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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