dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
