I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
