God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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