even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
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Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
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Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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