Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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