Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
