He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
