So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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