Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
