she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
