WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
