Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
