Betty ford says i'm here all night
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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