I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
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Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
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we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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