Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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