he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize