i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
