not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
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