the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
