I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
