If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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