Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm too high and old for this...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize