planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
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I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
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I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.