I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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