His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
